7/ When I think of the men who impress me the most, they are the ones who go about their lives without the need to feel as if, when it comes down to it, they have to crush women and other men. Because that's ultimately what the Right is selling. And it is an easy sell.

8/ The men who will always impress me the most - the men who have always existed! - are the ones, like Dr. Denis Mukwege (mukwegefoundation.org/dr-denis-mukwe…) who retain their tenderness even when the world around them is at its most cruel. It feels like a disservice not to celebrate them.

9/ And here is the other obvious thing (to me!) about healthy masculinity (if such a phrase is useful) - you don't need men to teach you what it is. Women can and do teach us what it is all the time - they definitely taught me. We don't have to wait around for men to instruct us.

10/ The best men I have ever known are not the ones who could win fistfights or intimidate someone into silence. They are the ones who were always available to listen, who anticipated my fears and who checked in on me, who made space for others.

11/ I am in my early forties and I can tell you for a fact that the men who observed the rites of 'traditional masculinity' are not as happy as they think they are - because they only get an edited version of people's lives. They are too judgmental to be trusted with secrets.

12/ One of the best men I never knew died recently. He was kind beyond measure. He left a letter for his children asking them really not to praise him at his funeral because there was so much that he wished he could have done better (they thankfully ignored him).

13/ We have to be so careful as a society when we pass the megaphone to 'traditional' men telling us that they alone understand what boys and men need, while ignoring the countless women, men and everyone in between who right now are raising happy and healthy boys and men.

14/ We can say that there is a crisis in masculinity. We can also say - masculinity has never been in a healthier state. Look at the brilliant grassroots activists throughout history (Simon Nkoli! Steve Biko!) So the question is - why do we consistently ignore their examples?

15/ I think we ignore their examples because compassionate masculinity still scares the hell out of a lot of people. But let's not pretend that a healthy masculinity, based on the bravery of truly confronting oneself, does not exist and is not being practised by countless men.

16/ It just strikes me that for all the talk of strongmen running our society, the men who end up the most beloved are the ones who were humble and kind. That's why the strongmen hate them - because deep down they will never be remembered with such affection.

17/ I just think: in a climate of fear, it is far easier to sell what the Right is selling. As a man, it takes far more guts to be vulnerable, to keep learning, and it always will. It may not be as cool - but I will take that type of masculinity all day, every day, forever. /End