I hate when people say 'Hey everyone,' there's no way you know EVERYONE

I'm donating my body to taxidermy

I like my coffee how I like my bodies: on ice

Not today. I’m still trying to declipse.

I'm hard to forget but they manage

oh the darkness will be all consuming around 3? So a normal Monday?

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Don’t look directly at me today either.

born to say 'my male friend, i love your little outfit today' forced to say 'sheesh' 'big drip' and 'he got that shit on'

Started a band called 'Duvet'. We only play covers

You can use your eclipse glasses to stare at the sun anytime, nobody checks

Shows up at your door wearing only a trench coat and eclipse glasses…

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

life’s too short for forgive and forget it’s time for revenge and remember

I used to lie to my diary so it would think I was cool

how do I change the playback speed on this meeting?

a zoom meeting so boring, I tried to put the person talking on 1.5x

I fired my therapist for telling me I sabotage good relationships

Sometimes, when I get a good lean going on I become marginally cool

if i met dracula i’d be like, hey man. enough.