Biblical manhood as modelled by Jesus: be a ‘mama’s boy,’ stay single, wash people’s feet, cry at funerals, hang out with unimportant people, ride a donkey instead of a steed, be a lover not a fighter, carry a cross not a sword.

One of the best things about parenting… Embarrassing my kids in a packed In-N-Out by singing one of their favorite songs… namely “Poopy Stupid Butt” #adventuresinparenting #dadlife #winning

Shopping at Men's Wearhouse: Me: Do you guys offer a Veteran’s discount? Employee: No. Sorry. Me: It’s cool. No worries. Employee: *gives total* Would you like to round up your purchase and donate to veterans? Me: 🙄

*Direct Deposit Hits* Me: Add Bacon Worker: Sir… this is JC PENNY

Just posted a photo instagram.com/p/Co3D9KgS3LtD…

Got some weird looks walking through my hotel lobby… yes… I bring my own pillow… because apparently I’m a 9 year old 😂 #hotelpillowssuck #oldpeopleproblems instagram.com/p/Co5-SvAJaDGw…

So with the #Silicon_Valley_Bank bank situation, can someone please explain to me why we haven’t reinstated the Glass-Steagull Act? #GlassSteagall #

Watching #Bluey S1:E21 with the kids... Bluey: It's soft and squishy! Mom: It IS soft and squishy! Like we're jumping on a giant pie clit. Me: Wait. What?!?! [immediately puts on subtitles] So… Apparently Pikelet (pike-let) is Australian for pancake 🤦🏼‍♂️

Me: People are dressing up to see Barbie… I should wear a costume to see Oppenheimer tonight! My GF: What would you go as? Me: A burn victim Her: 🤦🏼‍♂️

Today Speaker Sexton had a mother arrested in the gallery while holding a sign opposing more guns in schools. Each day he grows more drunk with power, and is enabled by an extremist supermajority complicit in his authoritarianism. We are witnessing the death of our democracy.

One of the most highly anticipated episodes of this year is FINALLY here... The jonbellion interview. Out Now!

Hey Facebook take the FUCKING #meta OFF MY INSTAGRAM and FB!!!It’s garbage and nobody wants it.

The only time I fold my #laundry is after I have been living off the hamper clothes for a week and now I need the hamper for the clothes in the dryer. #ADHD #onlygodcanjudgeme

this needs to be said again

Them: How are you? Me: Staring into the void of existential dread and raw-dogging Creed’s “What’s This Life For?” on repeat while the world burns to the ground around me. How are you? Them: Umm… will you be using your McDonald’s app for points this morning?