Me: Something is wrong with the dishwasher!

Kids: MOM stop calling us that!

Don’t you just bloody love your bed???

Who invented the bed?? What a fucking legend.

When I leave a party without saying goodbye to anyone

You’re at work right now?
I can work with that 😏

I want to fluster the fuck out of you

My fbi records must be twitching in the cabinet

Wish wolverine is back

Them: Hold this

Me: Can't I'm holding all these grudges

Dental pain hurts so bad.

Hope is passed out on the loveseat dreaming away...

The fun part of a back injury is other random parts of your body that you’d never expect, starting to hurt from compensating for the injured part

Welcome to Twitter. Someone with zero sense of humor will be along to misunderstand your obvious sarcasm shortly.

This is why I drink.

Not to brag, but I wash my dishes while I’m cooking.

It’s tattoo day for me. Show me one of yours.

Garage selfie

I woke up this morning and my hair was parted on the opposite side of usual so I am drinking my coffee left-handed.

It’s Fat Bottom Girls Friday!!

Remember ladies, you make the rocking world go round

Random fact

1 inch of rain equals 10 inches of snow

If it was winter last night, we would have 15 inches of snow on the ground