and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids

In all of this comparing men with bears has anyone considered how unfair and hurtful that is? Like, for the bear?

How is it already May? There are only six more weeks until my kids are out of school for the summer? I feel attacked.

if you fall in love with me by the end of this month we could be that insufferable couple laughing on a patio drinking margaritas by july

“Five minutes, Mom. We’re playing pirates.”

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

My dog: *will only poop under absolute perfect conditions*

Also my dog [nosing through the garbage]: you guys aren't gonna eat this?!

Having a competent partner is so fun.

I picked up a new clear shower curtain liner cause ours was falling apart and I threw it into the bathroom thinking I'll switch them out when I felt like it.

Just took a shower and noticed he already switched the liners.

It's that simple.

I'm that mom who loves that my kids' friends feel comfortable just coming over my house, but I'm also that introvert who hates having other people over my house so can you see my conundrum

I took my 6yo to softball practice and then realized it was canceled. My 6yo smiled at me, 'Well, look at that, we yelled at each other for nothing.'

I’m just a girl standing in front of my fridge hoping a cheesecake will appear

The only logical solution is to feed the men to the bears.

I'd rather have the fucking heart disease. At least if I go to the ED for that, the appropriate tests will be run, I'll be treated urgently and respectfully, and not like I was 'asking' for it to happen.

Actually Women's biggest threat is heart disease and car accidents and other diseases
It's not men

Oh cool- ummm let's see- I guess I would rather be stuck in the woods with car accidents then?

Yes! That's my final answer

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Tried to scroll down on my phone with my computer mouse and oddly enough it did not work

What's great about older kids is that there's no longer food crumbs everywhere and they pick up after themselves and if you believed this I'm sorry. I'm totally lying. It's actually way worse. More crumbs. Hope this helps you younger parents out there.

A dating app for people falling apart called Crumble

i’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re organizing a hedge fund

*runs into an old friend*

Him: Hey man, you wanna hang out sometime?

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t do that anymore.