With government & its institutions falling into such disrepute I believe we need a politician of high regard to chair a commission on how we can enhance the state & public standards.
I propose Boris Johnson, a man of integrity & honesty, to be the vanguard of such improvements.🇬🇧

Sad news to see Jonathan Gullis training as a bus driver in case he loses his seat at the next election.
😔
Other jobs MPs are planning post election:
Dom Raab: Lollypop man
Therese Coffey: Bassoon player
Suella: Massage therapist
Priti: Dinner Lady
James Cleverly: Chicken sexer.

#bbclaurak
I’ve known billionaire Carphone Warehouse co-founder David Ross for years.
He has a nutty rizz
His sheen is bronze
His pubis alert
Like cardboard he folds stiffly but has durable flaps.
When he says Rishi’s pledges are working.
THEY’RE WORKING!

Boris bloody loved flies and fleas.
He invited them into 10 Downing Street via his dog because he was brave, strong and wasplike.
Boris’s flies & fleas took their revenge on Liz Truss.
And now it seems they have found another victim.
Bravo Boris’s fleas & flies!
👊

Bravo Rishi & Akshata👏
Rishi is a hard worker who has cut the dishwasher waiting lists of all plates & has had to mass debate with a group of loose women.
And Shatty also works hard at being the daughter of a billionaire.
Our Terry & June
Our Ozzy & Sharon
Our Taylor & Swift.
❤️

It’s National Pledge Day!
Here are mine:
1. Tougher jail sentences for those caught wearing rainbow lanyards.
2. Stop the Bikes
3. People born in or after 2009 will never be able to listen to wrap music.
4. Recruit 7,800 new moths.
5. Grow more concrete.
What are your pledges?
🤔

Claire the Marxist nurse walked brazenly into Jill’s village shop wearing a RAINBOW LANYARD!
Claire then said Theresa May would be defecting to Labour & smirked at Jill whist purchasing her Cosmo & tofu.
Jill looked at me angrily:
‘Mike, can you get me Esther McVey IMMEDIATELY’😡

Rishi has said these are dangerous times so General Shapps has announced the building of 28 warships.
In the village I’ve set up a home guard unit to fight the Russkies & Chinese.
Bunty says ‘they don’t like it up em’
Dean our paperboy says his mum wants him to join.
Stupid boy🇬🇧

The next 5 years is scary😱
Rishi Sunak can handle this frightening future by:
1. Introducing facials & toe based recognition
2. Ensuring Alexander Olly NEVER enters #Eurovision again
3. Making pledges (lots of ‘em)
Vote for Rishi or you will all be murdered by zombies & robots.

#bbclaurak
Bravo David Cameron👏
The plan IS working!
People like Alexander Olly, Bambie Thug,
Angela Rayner & Jurgen Klopp will have you believe this isn’t the case.
Ignore the doubters!
We have MORE money
MORE rizz
MORE clams
& MORE disposable sewage.
🇬🇧

A football comes flying at your conkers possibly damaging your fecundity & bruising your prostate.
What do you do?
1. Ensure your shirt is crisp & white.
2. Caress the ball with socialist thigh yoga.
3. Adopt a Peter Bone straddle & use your stiffness to pass the ball on.

#bbcqt
To the Scrotes of Stoke
How dare you mock,ridicule & insult respected Tory MP & ex Crimewatch presenter Nick Ross.
Levelling up has given you:
Essex clams
Jonathan Gullis as your MP
Better stacked dishwashers
Community food pantries
The Plan
Eurovision
Pledges
No fleas.🇬🇧

First it was Harry Cole of The Sun defecting to Labour.
Then it was Olympic running champion Mo Salah.
Then it was Emmanuel Macron.
Then it was King Charles.
Now it’s Natalie Elphicke.
And who can we get to defects to us?
Gary a Labrador from Cardiff.
When will it bloody end?
😡

You can see why Natalie Elphicke defected to Labour.
Here she is being cheered on & praised by P&O ferry workers in her constituency a while ago as they fought fire & rehire.
She is loved by Marxists & her sexually attractive husband.
Bloody Vorderist!
😡

This encounter is quite emotional & moving.
It brought a tear to my ears.
Jacob Rees-Mogg kindly chatting to a lower class woman who purports to be a Tory Councillor.
Their despair over potholes & the no. 17 bus has hit my wife Bunty hard. She is weeping😢

Pssst…
Don’t tell anyone!🤫
But Jill in the village shop keeps muttering ‘That Akshata’s a lucky girl!’
And my wife Bunty can’t stop fidgeting with her moist pastry…

Apparently reports suggest that for a small man, Rishi Sunak has admitted he has a well hung ‘parliament.’
🍆

Dorset has fallen!
Our village is doomed.
Jill in the village shop is rationing her meat before the Lib Dems turn us all vegan.
We’ll all be made Trans
A future of cycle lanes, Mumsnet, yoga & Feng Shui awaits us.
Tory leaders Rishi Sunak & Laura Kuenssberg you’ve LET US DOWN!
😔

Sassy
Brassy
Debussy.
Suella Braverman nails it here.
Starmer is a peanut.
Rishi however is a luxuriously salty cashew.
Labour are poor quality nuts found in Asda whilst us Tories are cool almonds trickling nutty juices into pies that we continue to grow!

#LondonMayoralElection
Our cockney Nana
Our dinner lady.
Lard on her apron
Sticky mints & Oyster cards lining her pockets.
Susan Hall, we are in mourning.
You offered funk & porridge.
Now everyone in London will be stabbed & die of clean air.
You were London’s Virgin Hairy.
😔

#LondonMayorElections
We held prayers for Susan Hall at the village church this morning.
Although we don’t live in London it is vital Suzie becomes Mayor.
Suzie brings funk, dust particles & ketchup to us all.
Her chunks are juicy
Her custard is creamy.
This nation LOVES her!
❤️