First it was Harry Cole of The Sun defecting to Labour.
Then it was Olympic running champion Mo Salah.
Then it was Emmanuel Macron.
Then it was King Charles.
Now it’s Natalie Elphicke.
And who can we get to defects to us?
Gary a Labrador from Cardiff.
When will it bloody end?
😡

You can see why Natalie Elphicke defected to Labour.
Here she is being cheered on & praised by P&O ferry workers in her constituency a while ago as they fought fire & rehire.
She is loved by Marxists & her sexually attractive husband.
Bloody Vorderist!
😡

This encounter is quite emotional & moving.
It brought a tear to my ears.
Jacob Rees-Mogg kindly chatting to a lower class woman who purports to be a Tory Councillor.
Their despair over potholes & the no. 17 bus has hit my wife Bunty hard. She is weeping😢

Pssst…
Don’t tell anyone!🤫
But Jill in the village shop keeps muttering ‘That Akshata’s a lucky girl!’
And my wife Bunty can’t stop fidgeting with her moist pastry…

Apparently reports suggest that for a small man, Rishi Sunak has admitted he has a well hung ‘parliament.’
🍆

Dorset has fallen!
Our village is doomed.
Jill in the village shop is rationing her meat before the Lib Dems turn us all vegan.
We’ll all be made Trans
A future of cycle lanes, Mumsnet, yoga & Feng Shui awaits us.
Tory leaders Rishi Sunak & Laura Kuenssberg you’ve LET US DOWN!
😔

Sassy
Brassy
Debussy.
Suella Braverman nails it here.
Starmer is a peanut.
Rishi however is a luxuriously salty cashew.
Labour are poor quality nuts found in Asda whilst us Tories are cool almonds trickling nutty juices into pies that we continue to grow!

#LondonMayoralElection
Our cockney Nana
Our dinner lady.
Lard on her apron
Sticky mints & Oyster cards lining her pockets.
Susan Hall, we are in mourning.
You offered funk & porridge.
Now everyone in London will be stabbed & die of clean air.
You were London’s Virgin Hairy.
😔

#LondonMayorElections
We held prayers for Susan Hall at the village church this morning.
Although we don’t live in London it is vital Suzie becomes Mayor.
Suzie brings funk, dust particles & ketchup to us all.
Her chunks are juicy
Her custard is creamy.
This nation LOVES her!
❤️

Let’s just wait until ALL the results are in.
I think it is far too early to say if the #LocalElections have been catastrophic to us Conservatives.
Meanwhile let me condemn the OBSCENE language directed at Jonathan Gullis by Labour’s Jonathan Ashworth.😡

Great to see Tristram our village manicurist on #bbcqt
The cost of living crisis is due to lazy doctors & teachers retiring early.
Tris is right
Everyone SHOULD work till they’re 75.
The UK has become a nation of layabouts
😡
I think this is a vote winner!

I urge all Londoners to vote for Susan Hall today.
Susan is a caring person who loves moths & rabbits.
She makes remarkable pastry & knows how to tie complicated knots.
REMEMBER!
If you don’t vote for Suzie you will end up STABBED to death & unable to drive your car ANYWHERE.
🇬🇧

#PMQs
My wife Bunty leaked congealed resins.
Jill in the village shop groaned & clutched her quivering flaps.
Mrs Cobb, our domestic help,bent over & squirrelled,fingering her raisin.
Jonathan Gullis is a manly beast whose oratory brings joy & moisture.❤️

It’s a jolly lovely day in the village today!
And we’re all really busy, hunting migrants who are earmarked for Rwanda but are in hiding.
Tally Ho!
🇬🇧

Great to see Victoria Atkins on TV today:
Sincere
Serious
And with a slight whiff of WD40.
Vicky squeaks out against traitor Dan Poulter.
Then she reassures us about the NHS.
She is our muffin
Our trainer sock
Our Joyce Grenfell
Our jolly hockey stick.
❤️

A message to you lot in Scotland:
I’ll bet you wish you had a strong effective leader like Rishi Sunak.
As Humza Yousaf was leaving in tears, Rishi was performing his usual magic before finishing his coffee & stacking the dishwasher.
Our Tommy Cooper.❤️🪄

Forget Stormy
Forget Taylor Fast
Forget Wrap & Shed Music.
Remember these times?
When bands were well groomed virgins.
The men wore socks and the women adopted non twerking poses.
No gyrations
No moisture
Just good honest songs about trees.
Happy days.🙌

I❤️Chris Philp on #BBCLauraK explaining why he got muddled over Rwanda/Congo/UmBongo:
-He couldn’t hear
-He was in fact asking a rhetorical question
-He was leaking sludge.
Labour’s Des Streetwalking squirms as Chris hits him with the truth!
Bravo Chris👏

I’m becoming concerned for Rishi Sunak.
He’s started locking random men up in his flat at number 10, writing ransom demands on their spectacles and getting them to ring their constituency secretaries to send in the money.
Worrying!
#PocketSizedGrindr
😕

#bbcqt
I’ve often thought Scotland & England are the same country.
Thought Gary Lineker & Karl Marx are the same person.
Thought tractors.com & pornhub are the same site.
So give Tory MP Chris Philp a break.
It’s such an easy mistake to make!😡

A pint of bitter
A pint of lager
A pint of cider
A pint of milk(full creamed of course)
A Brexit pint of wine
A pint of jizz
A pint of rizz
Lots of great things come in pints.
Including our Prime Minister
Rishi a #PintSizedLoser ?
Hardly!
He is a gorgeous pint of jizzed up beer!🇬🇧