I hate it when under 18's disguise themselves as stationery.

Do you add the children before or after the jam?

I'm sitting opposite Five Guys and Claire's Accessories, both of which were also rejected names for the band Steps.

Sorry can't talk right now. I'm

I am one of stand-up's great storytellers. No matter the gig, I will always come up with a convincing story about why the audience didn't warm to me.

I like this picture from last night because it looks like the only audience member is a headless ghost.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

Charles Bukowski drank a pint of whisky and two six packs of beer every night while he was writing Post Office. Tonight I drank a Coors Light and wrote a blog about how to avoid phishing scams. Just a couple of tortured souls spilling our guts on the page.

This headline sounds like a mnemonic you'd use to remember something for your GCSE science exam.

Lately I've found myself very drawn to shops like Mountain Warehouse and Millets. I think it's an economic thing. There was a time when you'd turn 30 and start to think about buying a house. Now you turn 30 and start to think 'How can I prepare myself for being outdoors?'

I want to be the voice of a generation. I've chosen the generation that came of age at the end of the 18th century. 'The king is mad and my wig is poisoning me!'

What separates us from the animals? In my case it's usually the security guard at the petting zoo. He says I hog the best goat.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

The BBC have just learned about Catholicism.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

I never know when to end a sentence with 'baby'. Sometimes it's charming e.g. 'That's just how I roll, baby', but sometimes it's offensive e.g. 'I don't think the two of you should've had a baby'.

My neighbours' cat is not long for this world. It's a normal length for this world. I measured it when my neighbours were on holiday.

I like planking because you stay in one position and the exercise just sort of happens. It's the leaving dishes to soak of strength training.

I thought I would always be a lone wolf, but things change as you get older. These days I'm more of a lone squirrel.

I'm sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.