Me: A submersible got lost looking for the Titanic. Husband, a Titanic geek: Oh, they’re gone. Me: Well, there’s a search and rescue— Husband: No, they’re gone. Me: But they do have 36 hours of oxygen left— Husband: They’re gone. Me: Husband: Don’t ever go in the ocean.

Even if you found a feral child with a pack of raccoons near a meth lab in Aurora, CO and then educated it on absolutely nothing but Jersey Shore reruns and ramen noodle nutrition facts, it would still have a better understanding of the US Constitution than Lauren fucking Boebert

The greatest thing this world has ever gotten from The Presidents of the United States of America … is Peaches.

... it's was doing what now? #JediSurvivor #StarWars

When I see It’s Simply Aimee getting out of the shower:

You know how you can tell every character on #SuccessionHBO is ridiculously wealthy? Not a phone case was ever seen.

💀

BEAUTIFUL COLORADO

I do love me a smart-joke 🤣

The news is always like: "America has banned wheelchair ramps because they weren't in the Bible. Finland has made ice cream free."

To my fellow Veterans… I don’t care if you swept the decks of an aircraft carrier or kicked down doors in Afghanistan, I am proud to call you my brothers and sisters. The only vets I have a problem with are the ones supporting Trump and the MAGA agenda. You can’t defend

Sometimes, before a big meeting, I like to go on TikTok and listen to flat-Earthers … really gets the blood boiling.

Me: “I’m an adult! I can eat what I want!!” My digestive system:

90% of any shopping trip is trying to find my wife threads.net/t/CuckcW2uioP/…

Holidays in our house: - Halloween - Not Halloween (not recognized)

I’m at an age where I have to remind myself that I’m talking to myself too loudly.

Just bought my first 3D printer so… my Etsy shop (ThanosPenises) is about to blow up! #3Dprinting #PrimeDay #MCU

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s never “just the tip” or “just a massage”

“I mean… inches are a subjective measurement, right??” -Lurpee threads.net/@sirlurpee/pos…

just wanted to take a moment and acknowledge these amazing fellas who shaped what has become a yearly quest for giving @Beagz, A Bearer Of Dad News , Richard Dean , 💩 s̾i̾r̾ l̾u̾r̾p̾e̾e̾ 💩 and Shaun (who runs his own #LittleWheelsBigHearts offline campaign in Tennessee) These guys are legends