me: Amazon keeps sending me book suggestions like I have time to read they know I haven't bought a book in 9 months I'm so busy

husband: well, you're on twitter all the time, you could just read inst-

me: SHUT UP DAVE!

My cocky 17yo thought he could flip a hammer in the air and catch it every time.

And that's how I acquired a spiderweb shatter on my new kitchen floor tile.

this meeting could have, no should have, been a gif

do not ask me a question and expect a logical answer

I'm a blubbering mess when put on the spot

I need 1-2 business days to really think it over and then get back to you

From Armageddon:
Oscar: I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.

Why do I think about this All. The. Time?

Wow this is tube top weather!
For other people, definitely not me.

You're welcome.

Friend: Where did J go today?

Me: To Peculiar

Friend: That's odd

I just want to get back in my Dodge Avenger and turn up STP with the windows down. I wasn't cool, but it made me happy.

Once in HS, a classmate and I walked through an entire random house with no one home because we were delivering meals for the elderly but we were on West Oak Street and we were supposed to be on East Oak Street.

Just glad now that we weren't shot.

I'm 40.
My husband is 41, 42, 43, or 44.

If he can't remember, why should I have to?

The letter w starting with the /d/ sound is why I have trust issues

w not being called 'double v' is why I have trust issues

whoever came up with w is stupid

We have this extra kid at our house ALL THE TIME. His name is No One.
He is a bad kid.

Who left the door open? No One

Who put that bike in the driveway? No One

Who drank all the milk and put the empty carton back? You guessed it.

me when someone convinces me to wear something that isn't black

Did anybody else use to think it was 'devil-make-hair'?

Or just me?

I scream-laughed at a movie and immediately realized, 'Oh my God, I'm my mother.'

Just happy we weren't in a theater or my children would have literally died like I did 25 years ago

You gotta catch me in the morning with your wittiness, then I'm loving all your tweets.

Later on, when the evils of the world have sucked the joy out of me, I'm like, ehh I've heard better.

*mutters* more like tortured readers society

to 5yo: you'll have to get kindergarten shots soon
5: Ok. *waits a minute* then I'll be dead?

*has kids for tweet material

If you didn't take HS shop from a teacher missing at LEAST two fingers, you did not get your money's worth.

Oh you like my shirt?
Thanks

Now I shall proceed to tell you where it was purchased, if it was on sale, all the colors it comes in, and if it was mailed to me, how long delivery took.

I can't help it, it just happens.
Thank goodness I have enough sense not to tell you my size.