My friend said I should try to see things in a more positive way. So here goes, my car did not break down and I’m not dying in the heat, I’m seductively sweating, waiting for my secret rendezvous with my new lover, the AAA guy.

I was a poor kid at a fancy college, you could tell the difference between me and the rich kids, they had Mercedes, I had shoes.

I realized I had two different Converse on today. Dilemma solved, I wore them proudly!!

Cop: You were weaving, ma’am, you been drinking? Me: No sir, that’s just how I drive.

I love them!

As I walked by the hotel bar, I was made designated driver by a bunch of people I didn’t know. Apparently, they had not heard about a certain run in with a certain locomotive.

I have hit a new low, I technically just had dinner at 7-11, no more, from now on it’s QuikTrip or nothing.

For Halloween, I’m going as my doppelgänger.

Yeah, I think I’m watching too many crime shows, I just referred to a guy that I like as the unsub.

Auto-correct has made so many mistakes as me , it has made my SAT scores drop.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear? Me: (pause) Quicksand. (slow smile) Note: Apparently, therapists can fire patients.

I was married to my job, & then my job dumped me for Sheila, a younger, prettier version of me. Forget you, Burger King, Hello, Whataburger

I’ve had it with columns!

One wrong turn in life, not that big a deal, unless you are in a marching band.

I just noticed that my shoes are untied, my zipper is half way down and my shirt is inside out. This is how I roll.

I was told not to try and carry the tray of 50 champagne glasses full of champagne, I did it anyway. Things broken: zero! I turned to bask in my glory and tripped over a chair. Things broken: one little toe.

Fishes don't do words! It’s a long story, but trust me, I know this to be true!

Best incentive to do grocery shopping, have arugula for dinner. Not the salad just arugula: plain, dry, arugula.

So I went bowling . . . that is the most exciting part of this story.