Timeline looking amazing today

I sent this to my coworker and she filed a complaint to hr and now they’re gonna take me to the “discipline room” and beat my bare butt and balls

Neuralink

*alarm in your skull*Good morning. Please watch 5-minute ad from McDonald to unlock “teeth brushing”

Me: Ok google. How to feel better. How to feel moral agency again How to—

New message from Tinder girl named Blasphemy:👋

Me:ok google send dick pic. Enhance girth

(Tearing up when its my turn in the rap battle) I hate you I hate you I hate you

Deeply unserious city

Me and a couple of the homies are gonna smoke on the mesa later if you’re interested

Wifi at my new building looking awesome

my old hinge profile was 🔥

Goodbye cruel world

No you fucking idiots

when you going soul for soul for your homie and he pulls out his heavy karmic debt

Doing this to forget the tasty burger I just ate so I can eat it for the first time again later

Kanye: this heartless bitch broke up with me and I did was cheat on her 37 times

Me:🙂‍↕️that’s facts Ye

Drake: girl let’s have lesbian sex I want to have a pussy lowkey

Me: Drizzy you get me

Thom Yorke:im fucking weird and y’all want me dead

Me:CAUCASIAN AF dude 🫵😹

I should text her 🤣🤣🤣 Yup. That’s right everyone. I fucked an orange

Male friendship is so beautiful

insane takedown

Just hit my friend really hard for saying she didn’t like the mountain goats

Me: yeah bro I can’t make lunch :/

That homie dealing with a bad break up: did she put you up to this?😢

Me: no dude

His Ascended Evil Ex-Girlfriend controlling me like a puppet: yesss..now say he’s paranoid! And next time you see him kick him in the balls really hard lol🧙‍♀️