grabbing dinner w ur friend is like omg these fries r epic. also I cried myself to sleep last night. Can u pass the ketchup. You won’t believe who’s crawled back into my DMs. Are are you down to try this new spot tom? I hate him. The weather was so nice today

Jason Kelce has signed a deal with ESPN to become the newest addition to the Monday Night Football pregame broadcast crew, per Andrew Marchand.

Congrats Jason! 🦅

The librarians saw my daughter’s excitement at returning a book into the Dropbox, and they offered to take us on a tour “behind the scenes” to see their conveyor belt system for returned books! She LOVED it!

Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.

happy 4/20

It has to be so embarrassing to do the absolute most in traffic only to end up at the same red light as all the cars you thought you did ya big one on.

Me when I accepted a teaching position, declined two other offers for it, then the morning I was supposed to sign papers (a week after I said yes, mind you) I received a call telling me they’re rescinding my offer with no explanation.

One of the best bar amenities i’ve ever seen

💔

sometimes you plan a tour and stuff slips through the cracks. for example, we booked 2 shows in separate states and i just now checked the map

Me looking at the eclipse

Bitches get drunk and get to pissin outside like a pack of rottweilers

Partial eclipse as seen through a cheezit

John Kruk just decided on air that when him and Tom McCarthy have a child together(hello?????) they’re going to name it after tonight’s 1st base umpire, Malachi Moore

I fuckin love them

#RingTheBell

Bryce Harper is the first Phillie to hit three home runs in a game at Citizens Bank Park since Jayson Werth on May 16, 2008. He's the first Phillie to hit three home runs in a game anywhere since Brad Miller on July 8, 2021.

Bryce Harper with bomb after bomb tonight

They need to reboot “four weddings.” I wanna see some real haters in action.