every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'

(returning to nest to find my brood slaughtered) my brood!

My buddy went to heaven and said everyone there was still on their phones

athletes love kobe because he’s the king of performative athletic misery

sitting out the cooking your own groceries vs. eating out debate because i personally eat like a Big Time Weirdo

been sick to my stomach all day thinking about how unfunny this guy probably is

How are things going to work in a few years when there is a major shortage of skilled and experienced people in every field because we decided we don’t need junior people in any field?

listening to tapes of gibberish while i sleep to unravel and destroy the linguistic faculties of my mind for no reason

i would destroy the rizzler at mario kart, people are going easy on him because hes obese

one time in high school they made the one (1) other korean kid serve my hour of detention by mistake

poop the baby #poopthebaby

imagining a guy who thinks the word 'unclear' is rooted in 'uncle', it means something that describes the properties of an uncle

Only one person could have written “Hamlet” but any number of nuclear scientists would have developed the atomic bomb in time. Oppenheimer is self-dramatizing here.

I don’t care if you’re nonbinary. you need to take more corner 3s

I’m a friend of your roommate, and boy do I have a video for us all to watch

You need to assign a threat level to everyone you regularly interact with