MUFC somehow end Chelsea's eight game away winning run. 1-1. Two wins in 11 for MUFC. Bit of fight at the end but it's dire. MUFC's last nine goals: Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Fred (Ronaldo didn't play), Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo & Ronaldo.

Sean Longstaff trying to persuade the Saudis not to sell him

If anyone has a set of left-handed clubs and lives near North Berwick, I will pay to use them for 18 holes. I will autograph any of your children if you’d like and take selfies with grandparents. Thanks.

I accidentally got fanny hair removal cream in my hair and ended up with a bald patch. I told people at work I had stress related alopecia and would be wearing a hat until my hair had grown back. They all clubbed together and bought me a spa day to help me relax.

Us when Barcelona wants to buy Moses using imaginary money with payments structured till 2438:

The season is two weeks away and nobody at United knows when Ronaldo is going to bother to turn up. Just cut this utter sideshow out ASAP because the longer it continues, the more problems it causes for Ten Hag.

This will forever be Premier League gold. x.com/FunnyFTMoments…

After Manchester United’s awful start to the season, the focus has once again turned to the Glazers. This thread will look at some of the reasons why the club’s fans might be unhappy with their owners – from a financial perspective #MUFC

Patrick Reed spoke out against Rory saying “He’ll never win a Masters to complete a career Grand Slam.” Rory later said “The only chance Reed has of getting a Grand Slam is at Denny’s.”

Just found out Gen Z kids are calling the 90s “the late 1900s” and I feel like I just drank from the wrong grail in Indiana Jones

Got on a Ryanair flight to Faro and I'm in Malaga lads, you couldn't make this up 😂😭😭

The best Christmas song you’ll hear this year 👏👏

Girlfriend has been waiting MONTHS for an expensive French handbag to turn up via Evri. It’s JUST turned up while she was in a meeting. Obviously I signed for the bag, carefully unsealed the packaging, replaced the bag with a bag of onions, sealed it back up and now I wait.

I’m taking your camera😂

Joaquín, 41, starts for Betis at Man Utd. The weekend he made his Betis debut, Man Utd beat Bradford 6-0 in the Premier League with this XI: Barthez, G Neville, Johnsen, Wallwork, Silvestre, Beckham, Butt, Greening, Sheringham, Cole, Fortune

Late rumours coming from Switzerland on unprecedented change to transfers, headed by FIFA. Under ‘proposed section Loof:4:1’ to level market & encourage youth development, a PL club paying €40m+ for a signing must also include a U23 player. Selling club will decide on player.

2023 has been a weird, sometimes wonderful but often stressful year for everyone. With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of my favourite moments on here from the last 12 months. Make sure you’re sitting comfortably as there’s 196 tweets, so it might take some time. Enjoy ❤️

Old Trafford's leaking roof the perfect metaphor for two decades of Glazer ownership. No standards on or off the pitch. Outdated facilities, outdated infrastructure, outdated structure. All while the Glazers and their suits offloaded their debt and made £millions. A total farce.

Elon Musk’s wealth increased by $194 billion between November 5 (Trump election) and December 20. Meanwhile, US homelessness rose by 18% in 2024 to over 770k. That means Musk could give $251,884 to every homeless person in the US and still be as wealthy as he was on November 5