My housemate git really mad when i pulled out the washasiaki and said cone at me cunt.

Oops accidentally wore white socks and sandals to a mortal fight for survival. wanna run camera for a kung fu fights sequence?

And that's where babies come from...

I just spent 30 minutes roasting Donald trump and his republican whores but nobody offered me a Netflix special!

I'm not an idiot. I'd never identify with any group that prompted the death of a sitting American president. Especially one who forced the hand of the sitting president to give me the basic human right to marry the person I'm bonded with.

Weirdest thing I ever said to a lover = “oh, is it tarp time?”
*it was

Anyone else involuntarily kegel when you cough or a guy with a silver beard talks to you?

'Fun fact; most pizzas have a very low body count.'

- Pizza Slut

Baby grows to full size in your stomach and absolutely destroys your asshole on the way out.

Finally a man can experience the joys of childbirth

𝔻𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕪𝕖𝕣 𝕠𝕗 𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕𝕤™ 🏳️‍🌈 Damn. Can't wait to swallow a baby to make a baby. Also....

Name ideas: Kent AND 𝘒𝘦𝘯𝘵 😂

So you're Kent? No. Please, my name is 𝘒𝘦𝘯𝘵

Wonderfully obnoxious.

Fire ant: [trapped in my leg hair] I am about to sting the fuck out of this weird forest

Any story which ends with, 'Bitch, I am the manager!' is a good story.

One of my favorite things about my job are my customers. They love me because I suggested something that made their life prettier. I have so much joy surrounding me.

I genuinely feel really appreciated by all of them. 🌱💚

Also, the critters.. today was a snake. 🐍

Many of us that live with mental health issues use humor to cope. I do it, my doctor knows it. What narrow minded individuals don’t understand is that when they jump all over us for doing it is that without humor we wouldn’t be here. Think before you comment. 💚

💀

I've never told anyone this, but I once wandered into one Dollar General and came out of another one down the street.