No no babe, don't touch the Precious Moments figurines.

I was held at trident-point and forced to rt this and tag John Carpenter yw

nothing has matched the brilliance of the papyrus skit by snl

youtu.be/jVhlJNJopOQ?si…

UNTIL NOW THAT THEY MADE A SECOND ONE

youtu.be/Q8PdffUfoF0?si…

self-driving cars … more like ‘self-aware-kill-all-human’-driving cars

In this house we envy the dead.

Inside you there are 2 wolves 1 cup

so I walked into a glass door last night. no not thru it. into it. like a stupid bird

I was gonna do one of those anonymous questions tweets, but then I realized I could give myself a lobotomy with this power drill instead.

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh.

also I never realized those weird sounds at the zoo were peacocks the whole time

like … idk what they SHOULD sound like, but it’s not that

per fb there was allegedly a dude I went to high school with at the same time named karl… this confirms nothing is real because literally no one in the entire world is named karl

for today I become ‘one’ with the couch

figured I’d check on the beach real quick. it’s still there

hey didn’t the titanic sink today a whole bunch of years ago… anyone remember