You ever go to Starbucks and ask for pup cup without a dog just so you can get free whipped cream? Me neither…

The two sentences that represent the difference between men and women… WOMEN: OMG, I can’t even look at it! MEN: OMG, I can’t look away!

The California Fires sounds like a minor league soccer team.

An AI dancing Martha Stewart commercial? Still more exciting than the Chiefs & Eagles Super Bowl again. #SuperBowl

Is that the first white cornerback to get a pick-six in the Super Bowl?!

I’m no flat-earther, but I’m for sure a flat Middle-Earther. Ever seen a globe of Middle Earth? 🧐Didn’t think so. #LordOfTheRings

This third season of Traitors is the reason I don’t watch reality tv. My girl got me into this one show, and now it’s garbage. Every faithful is beyond an idiot. #Traitors

Elon Musk: “I’ve been receiving a lot of death threats.” You can’t kill what was never alive. #cyborg

In honor of International Women’s Day, I forced myself to have a period so I can empathize. Also, WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT ME?!?! #InternationalWomensDay

I logged out of my TikTok and have spent two days unsuccessfully trying to get back in. As a 37 year old man, the amount of negative self talk I’m having is off the charts.

Every time Elon smiles a poor person gets Covid.

Went to visit my parents in Hawaii. Decided to drive because it’s safer than flying. #Boeing

You know you’re broke when the dining room table is also the table you use for folding laundry.

I love watching my favorite comedians’ comedy specials after they make it. It’s not to know you can still have a career after you peak.

As a biracial person, I don’t wanna see my ancestors when I die. They’re probably tryna kill each other in the afterlife. I’d rather see all the dogs I ever had.

Can’t imagine being single as I approach 40 years of age. If I ever said “let me get your insta” I’d have to arrest myself and throw away the key.

Would do you call it when a crododile can’t get a boner? A reptile dysfunction.

Getting a pop-up add for laxatives while I’m on the toilet is like seeing signs for Trojan condoms at a brothel.

It’s how I’m able to sell 3 tickets a show 💪

The field of therapy is the only place a straight cis male is a DEI hire. “Look, we need to hire at least one straight man that might be able to connect with others.”