It wasn't my biggest problem of the week, but I just can't shake the anger I have at OGX's decision to make their Extra Nourishing Coconut conditioner NOT smell like coconuts. What a waste of $8.99

Spent the day wondering where they get seeds for seedless watermelons.

For you, MIKE GERAGHTY today.com/news/sports/jo…

"Standing outside Wrigley to listen to Lady Gaga perform" is impossible to dress for.

Getting down on outside,

Have cleaned the bathtub 2 times in an effort to put off working out.

I’m totally depressed and just walked into a Marshall’s. I can feel empty, deeply discounted purchases all over the place.

Everyone is gonna flip when they realize falafel is just a fancy french fry.

Will be spending the day looking for coconut scented hairspray. Will not rest until I find it.

If you would like to heighten your pleasure, try masturbating with a cool pair of sunglasses on.

Do you get to have a cell phone in prison?

A man on the train was just masturbating while looking at me. I looked him dead in the eye and said “Really?” He then stopped, said “sorry” and popped into a different car. Since then 4 new passengers have taken the seats in which he was using while pleasuring.

I’ll bet even the king and queen of England have a dirty inside of their refrigerator.

We all died a little bit the day corn became a grain.

If you could only have 3 foods for the rest of your life I think you would be very foolish to overlook salad.

I washed my shower curtain liner this morning, which kicked off an internal musing which ultimately made me realize that it is so rarely that I get to shower at other people's residences. #LaundryDayAtLindas

#hairraiser #pinhead

The Second City is sad to learn of the passing of alum Noah Gregoropoulos from cancer. He was 63. A legendary teacher of improv and coach…❤️

Noah was always an example of what patience and intelligence could do on stage. A testament to the art of slowing down and wading in to waters that were dark and murky, ermerging with a handful of gold and brilliance. A pioneer of an underground art form, he was 1 in a million.

I think two meals a day is plenty, talking for myself of course. Supposedly, I can say whatever I want to right now.