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Free ideas for when clients ask for the “next ice bucket challenge”: -Guys shave their legs for ____ -Burn yourself with a curling iron for ___ -Change all your mom’s radio presets to hiphop stations for ___

I’m confused: How can Trump be so sure that he declassified the evidence that the FBI planted?

“Are you fucking serious right now?” - a servant from the castle in Beauty and the Beast being told he needs to clean up the splattered remains of Gaston in the courtyard just moments after being transformed from a spoon back into his human form

Masseuse: You have a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you have a stressful job? Me: Yea. I’m a storyteller.

There was a guy with a huge dick at the urinal next to me but I’m proud to say I didn’t look

Ok. WOW. Jeffrey Dahmer was NOT a very good neighbor.

61 years since 61. Aaron Judge has written his name alongside Roger Maris in baseball's record books.

I've gotten a number of requests to create a single thread of my "How it started / how it's going" ad series. So here it is. x.com/janthonylong/s…

No one has ever approached me and said “Ah! Just the person I wanted to speak to.”

You’re a castle servant at the end of Beauty and the Beast. You JUST changed back into human form after spending years as salad tongs. But while everyone else is busy celebrating, YOU have to go clean up chunks of Gaston before his splattered remains stain the courtyard tiles.

Somewhere in America, a high school history teacher is grading an essay titled “Nepo Babies: McCarthyism by Another Name?”

🚨DO NOT SEE THE NEW AVATAR WITHOUT WATCHING THE ORIGINAL🚨Zero explanation why 95% of the movie involves a cat voiced by Antonio Banderas🚨

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 LOOOOOOOOSEEEERRRRR 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Please burn down your city

I love how people bless you when you sneeze, but when you hiccup it’s just like “Get your life together you stupid toddler”

Note to self: never send Aubrey Plaza flowers

See America’s sweetheart Aubrey Plaza in Mountain Dew®’s #SuperBowl commercial with the help of a former co-star.

The phrase “Having a Blast” will never be the same. Check out our Super Bowl ad. #HavingABlast

Hey Mountain Dew®, we’re #HavingABlast in our i5!