i can't wait until the new food pyramid comes out and everyone has to eat bear meat

I have decided to become an influencer. Please tell your friends.

it wasn’t an “alien abduction” I begged them to take me

i’m trying to convince my friends that star wars lines up perfectly with the beverly hillbillies universe: mr. drysdale = darth vader jed clampett = obi wan kenobi jethro bodine = luke skywalker elly may = princess leia granny = granny

I come here for the people watching.

Years ago at a house party some wasted dude kept repeating "Detroit, what?" and I said "Cleveland?" and he punched and broke a glass door. I have never felt more powerful.

I'm getting violently healthy.

Social media seems to magnify our differences not diminish them. Not a great direction.

Earlier, I too used to waste time digging through data, charts, and statistics to fact-check everything. But now I know it’s all written like a movie script. Fake and fabricated. Just made for so called 'intellectuals' to waste their time and feel superior about themselves.

I’m way too lazy to get into S&M

Some people measure success by the number of likes, others by the number of retweets. I measure success by the number of new accounts I've never interacted with that have me blocked.

5 year plan? I hope to be dead in 6 months.

stealing your retweets for the bit

Getting all my advice from the Manosphere

Them: There's a strict warning about not cutting it to open Me: Grab my knife

Five minutes at the luau and I was ready to say aloha.

I was never able to skip a stone, which made my dad so angry he decided to stay that way forever.

thinking you replied but actually that was just a sweet dream

I too deny that I am dead. For the record.

"A person who prefers to be alone is either a God or a beast."