'I'm going to blame this fart on you.'

Please be nice to me this is only my second rodeo

Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

I apologize if the memes I posted last night offended anyone. My brain was hacked by shape-shifting telepaths from the future again.

A pen that turns into a sword would be even mightier

When I do jumping jacks

Cricket in heaven watching Kristi Noem have the VP nod taken from her:

Meal prepping some cheeseburgers for this week

Me: Are Medusa’s pubes snakes too?
Accountant: I meant questions about your tax return.

I lost so many go-karts that way

Merry and Pippin have a sniper rifle this time. The whole trilogy takes approximately 37 minutes.

here’s a comic about staying relevant

Robot technology has finally advanced to Chuck E Cheese levels

First responder. 🥊

Jerry Seinfeld has been so out of touch with America's youth ever since he stopped dating 17 year olds.

Obama did NOT bomb more people than Bush and Trump. Bush and Trump literally told the CIA to stop making an official casualty count of their increased drone strikes.

Obama inherited 2 active wars that he was not allowed to leave and told the public the truth for the first time.

it’s all fun and games until one day you hear the words “execute order 66” and the next thing you know you’re taking down members of the jedi order for their treason against the galactic republic

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

Are we still arguing about what kind of fruit goes on the protest signs?