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My favorite Apple thing is a screen I've never seen that I can't get rid of

As a little league umpire, my job is to make sure the kids have fun and the Pelicans don't beat the spread.

I've been to dozens of ma & pa stores but still haven't found the right ones

The hardest thing to go through is the motions

Munchies

Don't talk to me until I've had my first moral dilemma

What doesn't kill me is a huge disappointment

ppl: no tanks on your bday trump: you hate our country ppl: you're an asshole

Hey I’ll be there in five minutes

Normalize wearing a 'Do Not Disturb' sign

Vaping: When you feel like smoking but don't want to look cool

Not now, I’m eating

Father’s Day is when dads everywhere finally admit their favorite child is the garage

Don't push a green popsicle on me. If you don't have red, say so.

If you want to get invited backstage spend the entire show knitting

Adulthood just means you start keeping your delusions to yourself

When I say vinyl I mean pants.

If 2025 had a soundtrack it would be Yoko Ono screaming Achy Breaky Heart into a 55-gallon drum.

Tahoe on tuesday

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings