There was a herd of bison walking right toward me at Yellowstone National Park today!

im celibate bc i dont feel like cleaning my room

me: hey do you want to sext? dude: ok me: if I died tomorrow do you think anyone would care?

so glad we’re in quarantine so i don’t have to hear a bunch of guys explaining gamestop to girls at a bar

every day I wake up and begin the 16 hour process of getting ready for bed

I just remembered when I was a kid my cousin made spaghetti and I asked for cheese on it and this man put a slice of kraft cheese on my damn spaghetti and he is in jail now

Well...the Super Bowl is upon us. A tradition I’ve always loved. So much so I wrote a musical about it. Here’s a sneak peak of the opening song ❤️

Mean Girls implies the existence of Median Girls, Mode Girls, and Range Girls

“oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree” -person getting fucked by a Christmas tree

I was background on an episode of Law & Order SVU a few weeks ago and Ice-T walked on set screaming, "THIS IS THE DUMBEST SCENE WE'VE EVER SHOT! NIGGAS WOULD NOT BE PLAYING BALL OUT IN THIS COLD" annnnnd that helped me define another level of success I want in my career

A long yawn and cars going around a racetrack....same sound

If you live in a building with a doorman, across the street from the projects AND you have a golden-doodle, you would have been alright with slavery

I get addicted to certain parts of Youtube. Lately I've been addicted to videos of cops getting arrested for DWI. Bonus if they're on duty when they get pulled over. What a rush.

The CDC said to stop using this joke format

Just got shushed by someone who is being louder than me. Visit me in prison.

Don’t tell me that p#%sy mines when I’m just in town.....

Ok…but have YOU ever had to replace an air pod? F*ck your commute I need this

Tell your parents that their email is NEVER case sensitive