This is worst tweet I’ve seen on here in a very fucking long time. If I had to see it then so do you.

I’m working for a goth lassie, she’s having egg mayonnaise sandwiches for lunch. The hoose is stinking (of egg mayonnaise). I don’t know what I thought goth lassies ate for lunch but I wouldn’t have guessed egg mayonnaise sandwiches.

Me: I’m going to need a fortnight off in October My boss:

Got an absolute cracker of a Green Day joke lined up for tomorrow. Cannot wait to share it with you.

Just taken a call from someone wanting all their door handles replaced because he got locked in his toilet without a phone when it broke off in his hand. I said “oh, that’s no good”. He replied with “you’ve no smelt ma shite, mate, it was fucking awful”. Blocked the number.

New workshop friend. Emotional Support Pickle. I think we’re gonna get on…

Last message before more 🇮🇱 war crimes or reaching the shores of Gaza 🇵🇸🙏

September has ended, someone should go and wake the guy from Green Day up.

There’s another joiner working in the house next door to the one I’m in. I’ve got Makita tools, he’s got Dewalt. We’ll probably need to have a square go at lunchtime. But who are you backing?

Bowser to Mario whenever he comes to rescue Princess Peach

I’m eating a star bar and having a great time.

Somewhere, within a 50 mile radius of Glasgow, there's a Celtic da thrashing out a 5,000 word thesis on how UEFA are bankrolled by the Orange Order.

DaughterPrickus needs to work on her bartering skills. Me: ten minutes of telly then into bed. Her: twenty. Me: fifteen. Her: twenty. Me: twelve. Her: fifteen. Me: twelve or none. Her: ten. Me: deal.

Spooky wall additions including a Fattus Prickus clock that Ryan finally hung for me🥹

Celtic, Aberdeen and Rangers making an absolute embarrassment of Scotland in Europe tonight.

Hey, don’t be sad because the Oasis tour is over. You still have this little guy playing his Friday banger for you.

It is not antisemitic to oppose a genocide.

When you spent years giving vajazzles and finally got fed up with it.

I’m in the pub and I’m having a great time. I like the pub.

My pal died today. A chancer. A pain in the hole. A friend. A Hibs fan. A genuine soul. Rest in peace, Dave. 32 years old Love you x