“You want to put that inside Elmo?”
“Yes.”
“And Elmo get twenty dollars?”
“That’s right.”
“Elmo want to see money first.”

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo's were all grabby and dancing around

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Lemonade: *kills you*

People should be more like dogs. I too would like to spin in a circle when I’m happy and fake sneeze when I disapprove

me: it’s break time

them: you’re taking a break?

me: no I’m having a breakdown

People who say video games are bad are the same people who taught me a game about murder with a lead pipe in the study when I was eight

[3 weeks ago]
my mom: I can’t believe the Carters are still alive

me: I just looked up Kissinger and he’s 100

[10 days later]
me: omg mom you killed her! Now if Kissinger dies we know I too have the gift

[10 days later]
me: who should we do next?

When you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

In a surprise hallmark twist, the big city exec burns her family’s tree farm to the ground and tells her high school crush to fuck off

Odor in the court!

I told Satan “not today,” & scheduled him in for next Tuesday

Do I ask questions and then answer them myself?
*adjusting monocle* Yes, yes I do.

My dentist plays country music, so it's like a double torture.

If you don’t go by looks, mental stability, common sense or social graces I’m absolutely a 10.

are we sure the first few seconds in a tornado isn’t fun? like the first few spins

I remember having to beep the dealer a week in advance to make sure we were ready for 420. Now the dispensary is having giveaways, activities, and a food truck. You’ve come a long way, baby.

this is like the time i got a new label maker

chris’ dad whenever chris wakes up before noon

hello sharks. i just need $420 mil to start an edibles food truck called the cannabus.