Me watching some high fantasy shit: I would simply not be corrupted by the magical object. If it is actively harming you why don’t you just put it down. Idiot Me receiving psychic damage 23 hours a day from my phone: Ouuughhhh oouuuuwwwwaaaaaa ooaaaaghuuuuuhhhowwgahhhhh guuuuuwah

Being on twitter right now has the energy of that one guy in titanic who puts on his little top hat and keeps drinking

[the last remaining Twitter software engineer quietly enters the mainframe room and shuts the door; security camera audio picks up the faint sound of “A Bicycle Built for Two” before the feed is lost]

ngl, corporations being forced to come on here and publicly say shit like "we apologize for the impersonator account that tweeted that everyone deserves food, clean water, and shelter, that is absolutely not what we stand for" is pretty funny.

World starting to think we should be taxing billionaires more

I forgot that arguing with transphobes on the internet is a waste of everyone's time: I blame it on being sick and having a very slow brain today. To save some time: sex is neither a neat binary, nor synonymous with gender. Relatedly, I'm quite happy to block fools.

Masks work against not only COVID-19 but also the flu, RSV, and other respiratory viruses. We should still be using them ti.me/3OjH7Gh 📝 Gavin Yamey (@GYamey) and Abraar Karan

The Autistic urged to suddenly play devils advocate when a friend makes a point (even when you *mostly* agree with them).

BREAKING: CovidSafe data breach leads to hackers gaining absolutely no data on anyone

Emily Uribe attends the premiere of "Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery".

Proposed sequel to On The Origin of Species: “On the Destination of Species.” And then you open the book and it’s just a centerfold of a crab.

Janelle Monáe at the premiere for #GlassOnion

Kate Hudson attends the premiere of #GlassOnion: A Knives Out Mystery.

bro what is going on at twitter

Fran Fine never crossed a picket line

Dripped Out Trade Unionists That episode idea was mine and now I’m Pres of the largest entertainment union in the world. Go figure… SAG-AFTRA NEWS

Ok now I get what “based” means

Elon, please buy Fox News next.

Staying on Twitter till the end like

Well, apparently the ship is well and truly sinking. fedifinder.glitch.me is the only Twitter>Mastadon import service that wasn't crashing for me, so at least now I've got a bunker when it all goes to hell.