Legoland is kid Vegas. They’ve got all the same stuff. Replicas of buildings, buffets, assholes. Just smaller versions of each thing.

I invented crowd work, but I let other comics do it.

“I’m gonna get on both the nice and naughty lists so Santa doesn’t know what to do.” -My 5-year-old son, a weirdo

I had to run into Target for some last minute Christmas things. Everyone kept assuming I worked there. I finally asked a guy “Is it because I’m wearing a red polo?” He said “Naw. It’s because your eyes are sad.”

Not to be rude but todays also the day we figure out whose broken up and divorced now on instagram. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I stand by this statement: Anyone who is a Harvard Graduate is a big loser.

If she flew Southwest in the end of Casablanca, they'd still be together.

You spend all this time building a following on these apps and they keep moving the goal post in. An inoffensive joke pulled for “bullying and harassment.” Bullshit apps that get rich off of our free content then act like hall monitors.

Remember when TV wasn’t political and everyone kept that shit to themselves? That was when people were not as divided and could actually put that stuff aside. Now you go to a major network and they basically are political argument shows. Enough. Everybody needs to chill!

Tom Brady was the covid of football - he’s thriving in Florida, he’s put up huge numbers & some people never believed in him

My God, first the Chinese use Tik Tok to weaponize the queerness of our own children against us, then they come at us with balloons?! Wait, is this just a surprise party am I reading this wrong?

the spy balloon shows how far we’ve fallen behind china in steampunk technology

Good thing China can’t spy on us anymore. -Sent from my IPhone

Do I think China was spying on us long before any balloons? Probably Do I think that there’s a chance it’s not even Chinese and everyone’s a liar and it’s some sort of conspiracy?Possibly Do I feel better when something I don’t understand gets shot down with a rocket? Always

Too aggressive. TOO-TOO-AG-GRESSIVE. 📣

Her: should we get a drink to celebrate this abortion? Him: I don’t think you should drink on an empty stomach

As the rain batters an already depressed Los Angeles population and the flooding and chaos ensue I enjoy watching the people who have children struggle to pick them up from school. Long lines of cars in floods while i sip my coffee childless and free. Namaste.

one day u think ur in love - the next ur googling "narcissistic personality traits"

Oh, the creepy little Asian dude who hasn’t worn pants since 1963 is a pervert?? No way. #Dalai_Lama

I spent 17K on Taylor Swift tickets and I gave them to a homeless family. They’re now asking me how to get to the concert and if there will be food. I’m a little sick of people not appreciating what they have.