Decided to text my new child back… 🧵

2 VIP tkts avail for sold out #courteeners Heaton Park on Friday; sadly can’t make it due to family circumstances Don’t want money back myself but will email them to the person that will make the highest donation to any men’s mental health charity Do good & have a top time…

I can't with him 😍

😂😂

Just saw Stephen Buchanan at #edfringe and said to him after 'sad you didn't do the TK maxx sketch, and then seconds later realised I meant 'WHSsmith' hahahah fucksake ... anyway, he's been the highlight so far 😂👌🏻

🤤

Hahahahaha true

Hahahahahaah!

This trend kills me every year 😂 #duvetknowitschristmas

Instructions: Batteries not included. Ok, I’ve got some AA.. Not those batteries. Well, maybe the tripl.. Not those either, f*ckface. It’s a CR232 46X. Well, where am I supposed to… And you’re going to need a minuscule screwdriver. Well, actually I do ha.. Cross head.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little fucking paperwork.

A British version of BREAKING BAD would be about a nursery school teacher with long Covid on the run from the taxman after selling half her wardrobe on Vinted

Cabin crew: “Welcome onboard this Ryanair flight from Manchester to Irela-“ Pilot:

Pasting anything into a neatly formatted Word document.

People buying You Me At Six tickets and then immediately trying to sell them on Twitter .... fuck off!

"somebodys watching me, and my anxie-"