Just think, if we’d lost the Revolutionary War we’d be eating gross British food today instead of pink tubes of ground up pig assholes.

If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.

Sorry...can't-I'm busy downloading Adele's new album & shame-eating donuts in bed while crying & breaking up with girls I wasn't even dating

Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

I accidentally drank one of my girlfriend's wine coolers and now I ask people for directions and get a headache every time I see my penis.

Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them

Quotes to calm an angry woman: 1. Stress makes you fat. 2. My ex never acted like that. 3. I love you, even if you're just like your mom.

greetings survivors and welcome to the way the world ended

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Getting my Xmas shopping done early is really just me clicking on Amazon and ending up on YouTube watching random cat videos.

Know what turns me on? Your mouth, when it's closed.

I still take every opportunity to say "that's what she said"...you may think it's old and useless but that's what she said.

No idea why my wife asks me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always butts.

I imagine myself fucking up occasionally even when I'm playing air instruments.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

[Naming a glue product] How about "Gorilla Glue"? That's stupid. Doesn't even make sense. Are you Krazy? Did you just say crazy w/a "K"?

I'm OCD ADHD AC/DC Run DMC...oh look, whiskey

If you pretend you're a judge for a baking show, you can eat as much cake as you want and it's not as pathetic. Initially. In your mind.

Do you think Chewbacca has a human like dick? Or is it one of those red rocket things that dogs get? @Georgelucas66 wont answer me.