*rolls out from under car bed like a mechanic*

Ways to Improve NFL Football - Use an actual foot for the ball - One penguin per team - Replace penalty flags with banana peels (and never pick them up! Lol don’t slip boys!) - Less tackling, more hugging

[halloween party] friend: haha fat Thor, good costume! me: supposed to be dressed as construction worker holding a hammer* haha yeah

boss: whoever keeps watching shaggy videos on youtube needs to stop me: it wasn't me boss: [narrows his eyes]

taken minutes after another state opened the beach...

[death metal voice] you’re good to go on pump 9 we’ll see you inside

I hate networking

Biden - 264 Trump - 214 Blink - 182

when it’s my turn to speak during a group presentation

coffee prices are out of control

maybe the United States is tanking for a better draft pick

If you're not watching Nickelodeon's coverage of the impeachment what are you even doing?

[going on vacation] wife: did you forget anything me: I can’t do fractions anymore

I'm creating an "OnlyDans," where Dans get together to complain about being called "Dan the man, Daniel-san" and "Danny Boy" our whole lives.

Bitches ain't shit but...

[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large