Welcome to your 40s. You can't stay up late anymore but you sure as shit will get up to pee at least twice so you can still answer those late night texts

Life will test the shit out of you it's always something

Not my circus but the monkey looks familiar.

When you pull the reverse card and you bomb the bomber. The uno-bomber.

How do I turn this thing off?!

*me referring to life*

she is a poem

i am her poet

If you save nudes of people of then throw them in their face publicly while telling them how awful they are then you’re pretty much a fucking asshole.

We should be making out right now but you’re being kinda lame

Get in bitch, we're going to go look at some motherfucking butterflies.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s four pounds

How I Live

save some pussy for the rest of us my dude.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Crazy? Yes
Weird? Also yes

the strength and sense of accomplishment and health benefits from working out are all fine and good, but what really goes hard is how fantastic i look naked

for every fifty likes i’ll share a movie scene that muppets would improve.

when they’re not available but they’re available for you

Baby Reindeer is dumb, if a girl stalked me I would just marry her

some people are going to love you for the same reason that others hate you