Congress has passed a bill to fund the government through mid-February, averting a shutdown. Voters are divided on the matter, saying, “Maybe you should try restarting it.”

A pollster has warned Democrats that the party has a branding problem. He offered several solutions, including the classic strategy of handing out Che Guevara t-shirts and clove cigarettes.

Today I was driving behind a car with two bumper stickers. One of them said, "You are a g--damn unicorn." The other said, "Jesus would slap the shit out of you." Is the takeaway here that God hates unicorns?

A man on Bumble described himself as a "skeptical existentialist" and I now have a very concise way of explaining what I don't want.

Apartment hunting in New York: I came, I saw, someone else conquered.

Geez, Chris Guillebeau is coming for me: "'more' is not the answer to 'too much.'"

On the playlist today: Where Are All of the Spoons? (Reprise) (ft. Adult Roommates)

Time to put my funny where my mouth is--come support my first shot at stand-up comedy at the PIT on 2/13! We will Bengal over backward to Ram some humor into your Super Bowl Sunday. I promise I will make fewer puns than I do in this post. Tickets only $10! thepit-nyc.com/events/grad-sh…

An exciting new innovation: the analog DM.

In my most recent #podcast episode with LS Hawker, we talk senses of #humor and my unpopular opinions on certain #sketch shows. Check it out to find out what kind of #comedy makes me make this face. buff.ly/3OovQmR

FRTMOM license plate: are we going with "Frat Mom," "Fart Mom," or "Federal Deficit Mom"?

Three-Day Weekend Tuesdays, a #haiku: On days like today, I find it hard to focus. Velociraptor.

Has anyone ever done a double-blind study to determine whether there is actually a discernible taste of "temporary floating bay leaf"?

He's a comedian, but really, @Mulaney is a magician. The experience he creates for an audience, even and especially when writing about his own struggles, is just magic. So grateful to have seen the beginnings of From Scratch at City Winery, and to see it complete now. Wow.

Twitter hive mind, I moved to #Astoria a few months ago and have questions! 1) What #restaurants/#coffeeshop/#bars/#SmallBusinesses should I patronize? 2) Where do my affirming/inclusive/egalitarian Christians congregate? Let me know! #NYC #exvangelical cc: #FaithfullyLGBT

Amazon now offers a time-saving service where they deliver your impulse buys directly to the trash. What will they think of next? instagram.com/p/ChiARgeO7Ar/…

Happy Democracy Day! How exciting to be a New York voter for the first time, and to get to vote for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! This is your reminder to vote if you have somehow managed to avoid all the other reminders. 😂 @ Astoria instagram.com/p/CktGyD3OBHT/…

I entered the Merrily We Roll Along Lottery for $39 tickets on TodayTix! Tap here to enter: todaytix.com/nyc/shows/2741…

New newsletter is out! Check your email or subscribe to find out why I think the Resistance you feel toward the things that are important is actually your greatest ally. Link in bio. 😘

Hey The Browser Company, Arc is by far my favorite browser. But ever since the 1.101.0 update, I've been totally unable to open it on my MacBook, despite reinstalling, updating my OS, etc.--would really love to see this get fixed ASAP!