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🚨 | BREAKING: A Washington source has leaked the contents of President Biden's highly anticipated resignation speech this weekend. Citing an "increase in intimidation in politics", the energetic Biden wants to realise his longstanding dream of becoming a head chef.

🚨 | BREAKING: FBI detectives have released an efit of a woman wanted in connection with setting up a sophisticated network of hidden cameras in public bathrooms across the US. The woman is believed to be in her early sixties and possibly lives in the UK.

🚨 | BREAKING: Japanese Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, has led the tributes among world leaders to Joe Biden as news breaks on the President's death. He was a "one in a million" according to Abe.

🚨 | FOOD: Following the UK success of Madri, Molson Coors is launching a British-style lager in the Spanish market called Londo. "Served at room-temperature and featuring a small plastic toy wasp floating on the top, it captures the quintessential experience of an English pub."

🚨 | GAMING: Dionysus Games have unveiled the latest installment in their controversial racing series Diana Crash Test Simulator at a glitzy launch event in London, where CEO Glenn Watkins claimed, "Children could actually learn a lot about road safety by playing this game."

🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Bazake has obtained an image of a proposed "devil horned" design for the new 100,000 capacity stadium Manchester United are considering building to replace their Old Trafford home.

🚨 | BREAKING: Former chairman of the British National Party Nick Griffin has shocked viewers by drinking the blue liquid that used to feature in sanitary towel advertisements during a live streamed interview.

#BazakePhotoOfTheDay A London Stock Exchange trader reacts to the chaos in the Japanese market earlier today.

🚨 | BREAKING: UK Police are on high alert after UKIP spokesman "Fr." Calvin Robinson appeared to threaten to blow up the Houses of Parliament. The self-styled vicar declared "democratic means" of change were over in posts preserved by the journalist Eyup Lovely.

🚨 | FOOD: Wychwood Brewery have unveiled a "sexed up" rebrand of their popular Hobgoblin mascot in a bid to appeal to the growing female ale-drinking demographic.

🚨 | BREAKING: Architects have released images for the church to be built on Fr Calvin Robinson's Scottish island retreat, should his followers match the £1.5m asking price. The disgraced former TV pundit wishes to buy the island of Torsa as a place to be closer to god.

🚨 | BREAKING: Outspoken political pundit and Telegraph columnist Walter Carmichael has denounced Sinn Fein and dissident republican groups in Northern Ireland following the controlled explosion of a World War Two SC-500 German bomb in Newtownards, County Down yesterday.

🚨 | POLITICS: Prime Minister Starmer has reacted to a recent dip in popularity amongst younger voters by pledging to mediate a peace between the warring Gallagher brothers of Oasis fame. In a leaked statement, Starmer intends to cite his previous success in Northern Ireland.

🚨 | BREAKING: Charles Meriden, former editor of Sainsbury's Magazine, has called on the government "to learn the lessons of history" and declare war on Germany. "Appeasement failed in the 1930s," he warned whilst cooking smoked salmon scrambled eggs on a Facebook Live stream.

🚨 | BREAKING: Labour's Lucy Powell has reiterated her claim the economy may have crashed if winter fuel payments weren't cut. "Bartering, hoarding of food, mass criminality, biker gangs, indiscriminate murder, animals starving in zoos, a 30% drop in house prices. You name it!"

🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: An anonymous former UUP advisor, speaking exclusively to Bazake, claims Sir Keir Starmer's sole contribution when working as a human rights adviser to the Northern Ireland Policing Board was to point out Northern Irish Police Service would form the acronym "NIPS".