Good

The price of grooming products is getting ridiculous, 70p for a small tube of Smarties!

Had my first threesome yesterday. OK, I had a wank watching a women breastfeeding her baby on the bus, but I'm still counting it.

Back in the day i didn't know 'Oral B' was a toothbrush. I thought she was the sluttier member of the Spice girls.

Yes but one would assume you’d never join the queue in the first place given your repeated ‘Defund the monarchy’ tweets? That’s like me saying I wouldn’t jump the queue at a silly haired cunts concert…..assuming they’re still going?

The Queen has given her life in service of this country, but over the last 70 years, do you know what has always bugged me? I wonder what Jedward’s stance on things are?? Fuck me backwards! Proof right there that natural selection has its flaws.

Ok. Now give us a topic and we’ll give you a personalised joke

If I was to open a pub, I’d call it The Thalidomide Arms

They say that the vehicle you drive says a lot about your sexual preferences. Which is why I'm buying an Ice Cream van.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re Bi, asking sexual or polar is not the done thing?

Beauty and Deceased

Angela Lans-buried

“One adult return and one child single to the moors please driver.” -Myra Hindley. #BadTasteQuotes

Anyone in Essex today get down to High Easter Village Hall, The Street, Dunmow before 5pm and grab some bargains from my mate Jodie 👍🏻👍🏻

On the school-run this morning, my two teenage daughters were debating which tasted the saltiest - Walker's or Seabrook's. It wasn't until later I realised……... Mr Walker teaches Geography and Mr Seabrook does RE.

Ryan Giggs wore his brother’s dressing gown more times than he wore a Wales Shirt.

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and she kept insisting on paying for the meal. I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep fucking running!!

A man from Dartford has been jailed for 4 years after he beat his partner with a frying pan, leaving her in a coma. If only he'd used a Teflon pan. Then the charges wouldn't have stuck.

Me: Does anybody else get the feeling their being watched? Mi5: They're*

Daily Star: Daniel Radcliffe struck down with food Poisoning. Harry Potter and the Half-Cooked Mince.