steve Hi Steve, I think your problem is that you are trying to ‘call’ our website. It might help if you try to use a computer. Hope this helps.

⚫ Fiona Gurr ⚫ BBC Radio 4 Today Hi Fiona, I just went over and did a thorough investigation and found that he’s running a meth lab to supply Tory MPs. While this doesn’t contravene our charter, I think it might be in breach of the 1964 Drugs (Regulation of Misuse) Act. I’ve reported it to HR. Hope this helps.

RoughRabbit Nick Robinson Chris Williamson BBC Radio 4 Today Hi RoughRabbit, I’ve seen that one! Isn’t that the one with the found footage where they get lost in the forest and are hunted and slowly driven insane by a mysterious force which may or may not be Tony Blair? Don’t remember any references to anti-Semitism though. Hope this helps

RoughRabbit Nick Robinson Chris Williamson BBC Radio 4 Today Hey! Now that is libellous. Our standards aren’t that low.

Ady Shaw Hi Ady. What do you call an acid with a bad attitude? A-mean-o acid. Hope this helps.

jim Hi Jim, actually bargain hunt is entirely made up of paid stooges, holograms and androids. The auctions are all fake and all of the items are actually holograms generated by the people who do CGI on doctor who! Nick is actually an android from a planet orbiting Betelgeuse.

GAC Nigel Holland BBC @bbcclick BBC Watchdog Netflix UK & Ireland Prime Video UK & IE BBC iPlayer Top Gear Hi GAC, in fact the human eye can only see 24fps, so adding anything above that would be a waste of time. All of this UHD stuff is just a marketing ploy to rob stupid people. Hope this helps.

The Hit Squad DJs Hi Jezz. Actually the constant interruption was a request from Mr Johnson’s handlers. They said that if we allow him to talk without interruption he’d probably accidentally racially abuse Sajid Javid, and then we would have had even more complaints. Thanks emily m

Diane H Hi Diane, thank you for sharing your crackpot video. We thoroughly investigate anyone who appears on the BBC, however we couldn’t find any decent human beings who would agree to appear without calling Mr Johnson a bellend. This limited our options to 14 year olds and fascists.

@josephofyork Hi Joseph, if people would watch it and it was in the public interest to see, then we would broadcast it. We’d also broadcast the angry make-up sex afterwards in full HD if it wasn’t for pesky ofcom. Hope this helps.

Paul Youd Hi Paul, the standard complaints procedure is to wait until 7th day after the vernal equinox, sacrifice a lamb and two hamsters to the Director General, then make a smoke signal out of their remains. Hope this helps.

@josephofyork BBC BBC Breaking News Hi Joseph, we actually think Norman Smith gives a fair shake to all sides of the debate. Also we lost our budget for red flags after the incident at the Christmas party. Hope this helps.

Graham A Fordyce Wings Over Scotland Hi Graham, TL;DR. Can you summarise it in 140 characters for me please?

Tottenham Girl BBC Hi Tottenham Girl, being an MEP is an important job which requires regular overseas travel, dedication and commitment. Real MEPs are usually too busy to take part in Question Time in Bognor Regis or whatever leave voting hellscape we’re holding it in that week. Hope this helps

Tottenham Girl BBC Also, only the leave MEPs have sugar daddies like Arron Banks who can afford to provide security to protect them from the packs of wild dogs and radicalised milkshake wielding communists that maraud around the streets in these places.

barberella Boris Johnson Sir Jeremy Hunt MP Hi Babs, actually there is a proven link between exposure to Sir Jeremy Hunt MP and increased risk of ulcerative colitis, so maybe we’ve done you a favour. Hope this helps.

barberella Boris Johnson Sir Jeremy Hunt MP Hi Barbecue hot wings, thank you for the kind wishes, however if Sir Jeremy Hunt MP becomes PM and gets the power to follow through on his record with the NHS, then we won’t be able to get effective treatment. Do you know any good witch doctors?

PUBIC SERVICE ALERT: We are here for all of you in this difficult time for our nation. Goodnight Sweet Prince, may angels guide you to your place in the heavens.

God bless all of her subjects in this moment of tragedy #godsavethequeen