I like when cartoon sharks are given italian mobster voices. Very good choice imo.

Best photo bomb of all time

Hell yeah my husband’s out of town time to act upppp (get very drunk alone and steam clean the rugs)

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

My “junk drawer?” This is New York, I don’t have storage, they’re all junk drawers! You need a pen? Check where I keep the utensils. Looking for a tea towel? That’s with the dog treats right next to the gas leak detector.

Husband is on a Boeing plane today so there’s like a 63% chance I’m gonna be single again in a few hours

Holding my breath as I walk under the elevated subway tracks hoping not to breathe in any of brooklyn’s famous subway confetti (lead paint chips)

Really wanna work on bringing the word “egads” back. Feels like it doesn’t get the respect it deserves.

Tesla owners seem to enjoy when you can’t figure out their stupid door handles so I always say something like “hey man how the hell do I get into this piece of trash” to offset their joy

i cannot believe my frontal lobe is fully developed. like this is it for the rest of my life lol i’m so fucked.

Being “cozy” is not enough I need to be so comfortable I temporarily suffer brain damage

In an Uber and thought my headphones had connected but they had not and the chitty chitty bang bang song started playing out loud ohhh my godddddd

Watching porn like “wait why is she gargling it first, does she have a sore throat?”

do you guys really care this much about all this stuff how do you get anything done in the real world don’t you have real life problems

If you take pictures or videos of people making out or dancing or existing at festivals to try and make fun of them I think you should be forced to live in the woods with no internet until you develop a personality

Women only want one thing and it’s a man who will take us on a picnic date and let us paint his stubby little nails