copy animal behaviors outdoors, and you'll always be safe *stares up into the rain til i drown

sorry can't hear what you're saying i just turned on my 90yr old attic fan it's sucking creosote out of my chimney

A tyke’s Yosemite Sam cosplay time horizon is, sadly, brief. Those legs won’t stay bandy forever. God willing.

All these changes are bewildering. But then again I was bewildered the first time I saw someone microwave a hot dog

Good morning, communists.

Be advised it's blowie out

when you triple check an email before sending

Like all psyops, this one's for you. *wink, finger guns*

Saying I'm an agent of a foreign government and seeing if it helps me get more work.

Every once in a while before work me doesn’t screw after work me over and it’s pretty nice when that happens.

I love being told I should've worked harder by a public sector employee that retired at 50 with a full pension

I just had a dream where it was very important that I knew the song Supersonic by J.J. Fad. It worked out

you were foolish to attempt to alter my dna

Thursday is the Larry Dallas of the work week.

#TBT that time I hung out with El Chapo and Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ at some safe house. I escaped….without paying the check.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT QUESTION! there’s always a dude in shorts & a parka who thinks the answer is Market Basket

Months later I would discover why the fire extinguisher had been so cheap.

Guys I think I finally have a Twitter crush.

I’ve seen enough TV shows to know that if you send your troubled teen to a “camp” they are either coming back worse or dead

The Smurfs taught us how one adorable word could build an adorable franchise. That word? Sussudio.