They don't make skinny jeans for fat people.

Ordering grilled chicken at KFC is like inviting over a prostitute just to watch a movie.

Some people's brains still use dail-up.

Sorry officer, I thought STOP meant Spin Tires On Pavement.

I'm watching a Hitler documentary right now. WOW! That guy was an asshole!

I don't send dick pics to women, I just tell them to Google 'penis' ....mine looks similar to those.

Pessimism sucks.

Young kids are saggin their jeans while old folks pull them up as far as they can go. Can we please find some middle ground here?

I can smell your shitty thoughts.

You know you're depressed when you wake up in the morning and think, "I can't wait to go back to bed."

Strippers should stop wearing glitter. I'm tired of telling my wife that i'm glittery bc me and my friends do arts and crafts every weekend.

You got that Little Caesars $5 Hot-n-Ready type of body.

Hello, If anybody has a problem with what I say, please email your complaints to: [email protected] Thanks, #CrazyAssLemur

RT @TrueeREALigion: ATTN LADIES there are nice guys out in the world, you just gotta open your eyes // You misspelled 'legs' #OpenYourLegs

Boobs are good.

LeBron James has agreed to let Rogaine advertise on his jersey. #ADsOnNBAJerseys

I be fartin' my ass off! LOLZ!

I'm afraid to get out of my seat... There's a fart trapped between my butt and the couch... and I KNOW it's gonna smell rotten!

Ok, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James go 1-on-1... Who wins?