First person to eat a banana: "This is not good." First person to peel a banana: "Dude, guess what?"

Four examples of why women live longer than men...

Three examples of why women live longer than men...

Ever wonder what the part of our brains that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days?

And the moment Narcissus saw his reflection, he became entranced by it...

"Dalziel"...

AHLEM...

Son: Mom, the Easter Bunny knows that I don't like Rolos, so why does he put them in my basket every year? Me (eating a Rolo): I don't know, that's weird.

SALT

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes. Me: How much do I owe? Gov’t: You have to figure that out. Me: I just pay what I want? Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too. Me: What if I get it wrong? Gov’t: You go to pris...

The cool thing about being a dog is that there is no five second rule.

Are we still eating Tide Pods or can I switch back to oatmeal?

I miss the days when I'd buy things at the store that made the cashier say, "Wow someone's having a party."

The most unrealistic thing I've ever seen in a movie is when an entire family sits down to eat breakfast together on a weekday.

Got in trouble again with Steve for a facial expression I didn’t know I have.

"Dalziel"...

AHLEM...

SALT

"Dalziel"...

AHLEM...