Social distancing just feels like it has put our lives on hold. God knows when I’ll be able to resume chasing my dream occupation of town drunk

Time to spread some positive y’all!#YouTubePositivityFlyerChallenge

Lmao going forward the nutty professor stock-nerd character needs to be replaced with this kinda guy

BREAKING: Cletus, cousin merle, and big hungry joe have stormed the capitol building

Trump bribed these protestors by promising them a mcdonalds banquet

R.I.P To the legend Hank Aaron

A local Japanese man just handed me this note shortly after I arrived at the track to compete. Win or lose, this is what it’s all about. This makes it all worth it.

hey man. do you have about three hours to answer some questions about your shirt

Hell yes. First of many

5 million accounts with some pun name and cartoon AVI: “I love you, this tweet is amazing but…genuine question…What do you mean ‘7 ate 9’? I couldn’t help but notice you spelled ‘eight’ wrong.”

Blessed to report I just got hired to direct Fast And Furious 14: Justice Is Swerved 🙌🙌

Anybody who thought the Bengals had a chance in this game doesn’t know anything about a football.

I now look back on my “being on twitter all the time” era with a nostalgic embarrassment usually reserved for middle school memories

The hat shuffle at baseball games has gotten too high tech!! -Erin

If you love ‘party rocking’ and say things like “everyday i’m shuffling”… you missed the whole point of the song 🤦‍♂️