Champagne to our real friends, and real pain to our sham friends.

A Welshman bragging of his family said his father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. Being asked where about, he replied, "In the same monument with 'Squire Thynne's; for he was his coachman."

A footman was asked if his master was a regular man in his living. "Very regular," said he, "for he gets drunk every day exactly at the same hour."

On the opening night of The School for Scandal, Mr. Cumberland said he could find nothing in the play to make him laugh. Mr. Sheridan being informed of this, exclaimed, "What an ungrateful man not to laugh at my comedy, when I laughed at his tragedy from the first to last scene!"

A Gentleman lately arrived from the East Indies being asked his opinion of the American Treaty with France replied, "It is Oil and Vinegar, which, I fear, will dress a most unpalatable salad for Old England." Franco-American Treaty, 1778.

A lady of the name Rugg having married a Mr. Price, was asked after marriage how she liked it; "Very well," she said, "I sold my Rugg for a good Price."

"That ring on your finger," said a dandy to a lady, "is emblematical of the love I have for you--it has no end." "It truly represents my love for you," was her reply, "it has no beginning."

Hogarth making a joke about the craze for tiny lapdogs by including a minuscule one on an expensive cushion in Taste in High Life. A craze that is very much still around! #pugs #williamhogarth #18thcentury

A man asked his wife, "How the devil could you stand and hear people speaking ill of your husband?" "I did not stand to hear them speak ill of you," replied she, "I sat down and asked if they had any more to say."

Why is a first floor like a lie? - Because it is a story raised.

Lady Montague and Mr. Pope, once intimate friends, became inveterate enemies. Pope, learning that the Lady had spoken sarcastically of his person said she would hear from him in black and white. “Ay?” said Lady Mary, “Pray tell him, that he should hear from me in black and blue."

A child, who lately began to read, could not put together M I L K. His master asked, "Well, what does your mother put in her tea?" The boy answered, "Rum, sir."

The owner of a large orchard put up the following notice on his land: "Any persons trespassing on these enclosures are respectfully requested to bring their coffins with them!"

When Mr. Foote was told of the Duke of Cumberland's marriage, he said, "I am glad to hear it, and hope it will be the last foolish thing he will do."

One Mr. Mann, master of the ship called the Moon, used to be very familiar with a gentlewoman. When her husband taxed her for being with another gentleman, she swore she knew him no more than the "Man in the Moon."

A lady having two suitors, one tall and the other short, was asked which she liked best. "Indeed," says she, "I like the tallest, if all things are in proportion."

A conceited fellow, who fancied himself a poet, asked Nat Lee if it was not easy to write like a madman as he did? "No," answered Nat, "but it is easy to write like a fool, as you do."

Claude Du Val, the famous highwayman, suffered for his robberies and afterwards had this epitaph bestowed on him: Here lies Du Val: Reader, if male thou art Look to thy purse; if female, to thy heart Much havoc he has made in both; for all The men he made stand, the women fall.

When Fontenelle was very old, a physician was one day maintaining that coffee was slow poison. "Very slow indeed," replied Fontenelle, "for I have drank it every day these eighty years."

One complained all the ale he drank made him fat. "I have seen it make you lean," replied his friend. "When?" "Last night--upon the wall."