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You about to meet T'Challa.

Why did the coward cross the road? They were following the chicken 🐓

TFW you bite into a hot pocket and it’s filled with 5 Gum that’s still frozen in the center

Just put in an order for one of those big metal retractable rods and one of those super powerful flashlights. I’m a sucker for the advertisements!!!!!

Any death is a tragedy, especially in WV -- the hardest hit state by the overdose crisis. But people are dying because the government's war on drugs makes them turn to an licit drug supply. Misinformation is their greatest weapon. Test your drugs and always question the police.❤️

Dr. Manhattan? Nah I’ll take a Dr. Pepper. Thanks! 😅

Hulu ads are the new MTV 💅

We tried to pay $75 a month for Twitter blue but they said no cos it’d hurt their “brand” 🙄

Still married to the game 😎* *spending every waking moment desperately trying to avoid signing the divorce papers*

Sooooo drizzling peanuts on a stick of butter doesn’t taste anything like what I had expected

Sometimes I point to a patch of grass and identify it by some pseudo science fake latin ass gibberish to whoever’s around and you wouldn’t believe how often people are completely unphased. It’s like they don’t even know I’m there 🥲

Our new hit reality TV show “House of House” continues with all the drama that your mama can handle. In episode 2, our dim witted DJs face a new challenge: the American healthcare system!

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING NEWS: (DEFINITELY NOT A.I.-GENERATED) TUCKER CARLSON SAID WHAT???🚨🚨🚨

The Midnight Gardeners are Washington, DC’s premier (and only) comedy secret society, meeting under a forfend moon at comedy venues and festivals up and down the East Coast. Come see them live on July 29th at SKETCH NIGHT. midnightgardenersleague.com

sofia coppola’s home office photographed by bruce weber

Thank God I'm pretty because I'm way too corny during sex. Every time a guy cums in me I can't help but go "oh my god I'm not on birth control!"