Zasdak Figurative Industries is not misogynistic. We produce action figures representing all genders and identities. AngryAngie™ is a fictional character; any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Introducing the cover star: RingRing Jerry™. Zoonotic origins expert. Crisis call planner. Comic out now. Figure coming soon, with at least one burner phone.

Why speculate when you can coordinate? RingRing Jerry™ is here. Celebrate the man who made a story stick while everyone else was still asking questions. The crisis was real. The control was flawless. The figure is limited.

They: 🔹 Screenshot 🔹 Misquote 🔹 Meme We: 🔹 Sequence 🔹 Model 🔹 Science it hard

Indeed. In this story, we already have Superman (me). What we don’t need is Screensniperman™ and his sidekick OutOfContextBoy™.

Curryposting is culture. Screensniping is cope.

There’s something between us, but it’s not romantic. It’s zoonotic

Look, I’m thrilled for Marion. Truly. I just find it funny, not bitter, just funny, that I nearly stopped the pandemic, and somehow I’m the one without a medal. Not even a tote bag.

While everyone else chased FOIAs and memes, we traced the real threat: The masked raccoon dog The high-flying virus vessel And that suspiciously smug pangolin The Infection Collection™. Now in stores. No PPE included.

Lab leakers never bring up biosafety committees. Or dual-use review. Or reality. For the record: ✅ Powerful oversight exists ✅ Nothing slipped through ✅ And no, we never did gain-of-function. Not by the current definitions. Thank you.

We’ve made scientists. We’ve made heroes. Now meet the villain. Patient Zero IQ™ isn’t here to understand science. He’s here to end it.

He’s not a scientist. He’s something far more dangerous: A pedestrian with broadband, ChatGPT access, and a folder full of Markolin diagrams. The Pedestriator™ has arrived. Rumored to be a sock puppet, but there’s just no evidence. As usual.

Preparing for bat caves. Origins chatter’s gone quiet, and even though Elon and I aren’t best friends, his algorithm makes sure lab leakers stay buried. Still sure it probably came from the market. Definitely not our lab.

If the funds aren’t earmarked, my vote is to invest them in exactly what the noise-makers fear most: zoonosis research, fieldwork bulking, bat swabs… and a few carefully placed life-saving furin site insertions.

Healthy as ever. Can’t say the same for my old emails, which lab leakers keep mutilating for Twitter. “Never published” ≠ “cover-up.” It usually means “not scientifically valuable.” This is basic science. Which is why, of course, they don’t get it.