That’s it! Choose, right now: It’s either me, or the ultimatums.

TLDR: all 8 are boners

Say what you want to about Biden, but his tweets are the epitome of “pissing blanks into the wind”.

When it rains, I’m poor.

I am about to board a flight to LA and just realized it’s been so long since I flew that the last time I did? I had an iPod.

You wonder why we are all so hungry for “love” these days? It’s cause these days: it’s all dating apps, and no dating entrees.

Me: “Hey Google, Siri a Bing for me” God: “No.”

There’s too many letters in the word “minimalist”

I am a mystery. …… …… Or am I?

If I was President, (think Joe Biden) my first order of business would be to send home all the troops fighting the war on Christmas.

Beto looks like an assistant coach in the WNBA

Poor me. Born with the soul of an astronaut, but with the brain of a fuckwit.

My official statement on The Last of Us HBO Series: Finally someone did it. Someone made the perfect post-apocalyptic show. Which just so happens to qualify it as: one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

Someone recently told me that I had really good self-awareness. Gotta admit, I had no idea.

How do I figure out what my body’s mpg is? If the liquid in question is: gallons of milk. Serious responses only

Hmm… I dunno… Maybe the baby ate your dingo.

I don’t know. I looked at Amazon, and I don’t see anything I like.

Well I’m gonna buy Elon Musk and change his name to Twitter

Saw Kate Berlant at the Creek and the Cave last night. I’ve been fortunate enough to see a lot of great live stand up sets in my life- but what I saw last night- was different. Hands down the best set I’ve ever witnessed.