Now the only “tik tok” is the sound of the clock winding down on your time to accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior

In 2013 you could tweet “I’m not snacking, I’m microdosing dinner” and you would immediately be given a development deal at NBC

Love when I see a goth person at the gym. You ain’t that sad.

The Beatles are a psy op to make you choose love over violent revolution

Alcohol, Tobacco AND firearms? Leave my beer and cigarettes out of this.

Just hit a 500 day Duolingo streak. English. Setting high scores every day.

Tonight at Pine Box Rock Shop it's Drop Up Video! Featuring Zach Pugh dwanye west harshil Zach Swan Tom Feeney + more!

Amazon: “if you press this button you can have batteries on your doorstep tomorrow BUT somewhere one of our employees will have to piss in an empty water bottle. Do you accept?”

*JFK tries to cut CIA budget* CIA: “no way, motherfucker” *MLK leads Civil Rights Movement* FBI: “not on our watch” *Nazis take over the government* FBI & CIA: “oh nooo, somebody should do something! Somebody help us, we’re just a bunch of lil’ guys 🥺”

Been there, brothers

We must preserve white culture! What will we do without hot dog and Under Armour shirt that’s a little too small!

Replac Luka with “me” and the the Mavs with “all my friends and family.” Not so funny anymore, is it?

Crypto is so adorable. “We invented a new money!” Yeah sure you did, bud. I bet it’s really shiny and neat.

Idk if a man has ever needed to be sack tapped as much as JD Vance does

Keep seeing ads for sperm banks offering to buy my stuff. Nice try, but I do this shit for the love of the game. Not gonna get me to sell out.

People say my much older girlfriend is “robbing the cradle” but I feel more like I’m “robbing the grave” (she’s 94 years old)

Went here and every one knew you