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What do you mean "4 minute shower" it takes me 4 minutes to get the water to the right temperature

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Why get thinner when you can get more dinner

Sundays: the day you realize your life is a mess

*eats 4 slices of pizza* I'm so full *eats another 4 slices of pizza*

Me trying to do math is like me trying to lose weight, it just doesn't work out

People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

No offense but I wanna set you on fire

Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they're going to put you in one

I suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes it look like you're an angry serial killer

Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?

I'm so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everyone else away?

Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

According to this Mac and cheese box I'm a family of 4

I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.

Torn between wanting a snack and looking like a snack

Instead of calling it the John, I'm going to start calling my bathroom the "Jim". That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Dear Karma, I have a long list of people you missed.

I wish my mind had a delete button.