Packing for vacation 24- 2 shirts and a pair of jeans will be fine for the next week. 34- God I hope I packed enough Lactaid.

Throwback to when circumsized penis was the hip hairstyle

The LOTR cast makes every straight man question their sexuality.

therapy bills for this dog will be enormous

Oh, you’re a millennial? Prove it by naming 5 of your undiagnosed mental illnesses.

My love language is sand blasting videos.

Woman after my show: I can’t believe you’re 34, you look so young, what’s your secret? Me: The hat hides my hairline. Bald guy behind me: Right on brother.

Thanks to the internet, I now feel bashful purchasing fruit roll ups.

Bringing your dad both screwdrivers because you don’t know what he’s talking about.

My 21 year old co-worker just called Men In Black a classic movie so I’ll be taking my AARP card now thank you very much.

My outfit is giving off major “lost my virginity to an Incubus song” vibes

“I work in a hospitality” is a fancy way of saying “I have a theatre degree.”

Me: (Turns on fan) Brain: Put your finger in it. Me: That seems like a bad idea. Brain: What about your dick? Dick: WE GET TO GO INTO SOMETHING?! Me: Ok everyone calm the fuck down.

Me: (Posts a joke on Facebook) One of my moms friends in the comments: “Tell your parents I say hi!”

Lakers fans are the Cowboys fans of the NBA.

When eating in a suit anything can become tie food

Me: Have you heard of this Matt Rife guy? Girlfriend: Ooh the handsome comedian with a chiseled jaw? Can we get tickets?! Me: No.

A rainbow shirt in target won't turn your kids gay but Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor will

Lyft Driver: How’s your night? Me: (Trying to act sober) Great! Your car smells fantastic! Lyft Driver: (turns his music up)