I text this guy first yesterday so I feel like I shouldn’t communicate first today. Also should I put yellow wallpaper in the house where I die alone

Dad asking how my writing career is going

(Same tone of voice as if I have an incurable disease): I have a bensoon Boone song stuck in my head

Got in trouble for calling the other Jeff at work the Bad Jeff

Me explaining to HR why it’s not bullying

Whenever I wake up sad I try to remember there are more important things to focus on, like Revenge

“It’s 8 inches and thick btw” - me as a doctor telling my patient they have a brain tumor

Oh I’m sure

Do you ever feel like you’re in that movie Drag Me To Hell, where an evil gypsy puts a curse on you but instead of killing you in three days, it’s being drawn out over like 30 years? Me neither

I’ve never met a gay guy named Josh who wasn’t evil

Some would argue choking your son out kinda counts

Wait what happened

When you have sex with a pure heart and soul it’s not actually possible to catch an STD

Hey I’m new here

Dropping my resume off in person at restaurants in LA today

My coworker thought it was called The First 48 because if the cops don’t solve it in two days they have to stop investigating

Went to the gym

I forget going to the movies is what it’s all about

I feel about soda and popcorn at the movies the same way conservatives feel about the second amendment. You will take my soda and popcorn at the movies from my cold dead hands