Priest: we are gathered here today, on a fucken Sunday, because SOMEBODY [spits on coffin] doesn't know how to ride a fucken motorcycle

[Prison Diary Day 5] Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Doctor: I'm gonna test ur reflexes [goes to tap my knee] Me: [slips the tap & uppercuts him over desk] STATE CHAMP BABY! [does Ali shuffle]

[at the shoe store] Me: I'd like to try these on Clerk: what size feet are you? Me [leans in way too close]: mind your own fucken business

Whoever made the ballsy move of putting the automatic air freshener spritzer in the bathroom should know I'm not paying for dry wall repair

[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months

Mr. Polite will forever hate all of us but, you are the only one who kissed him. Electric Ronnie

Kudos to the Steak 'n Shake worker for microwaving my lunch-able

Apartment Day 1: Collin managed to trip every smoke alarm. All 3 of them.

IT: 9.9/10 [-0.2 for mid-movie fight but also +0.1 for mid movie fight]

Collin wears the condom inside out so he gets the ribs

Collin’s gotten himself stuck in every toilet he’s ever used

Collin keeps leaving his shoes lying around so I’ve elevated the situation

I knew collin would be mad that I ate his cookies so I claimed them legally after I ate the first two sleeves

“Men treat vehicles better than they treat women” -I have NEVER driven a women into a ditch and then roughly pulled her out with a tractor

My twitter isn’t getting enough likes anymore so I’m selling merch to fund my porn addiction. Limited Quantity.

19 years ago collin was born 5 months late. It was a Saturday. He weighed 32 pounds.

Please please please don’t forget to set the mood on this precious day of love. I’ve prepared a playlist to get the ball rolling.